As the Biblical Counselor at Faith Christian School, I often receive e-mails from parents expressing concern and reaching out to get help for their teen. Many of these e-mails might sound like this: “My daughter is really struggling with her emotions, and it is making school hard, and it is impacting everyone in our home. I have been trying to get her help, to find her a therapist only to hear that none of the offices I called are taking new patients. Then I heard that our school has a Biblical Counselor. I was wondering if you would counsel my daughter?” This dear parent was looking for a counselor for her daughter, someone other than a parent to solve her daughters’ issues.
I often see the depth of the love of these parents for their teens and their concern, yet they do not know where to turn to provide a safe place for their son or daughter to talk about the issues at home or at school. I am thankful that in God’s Sovereignty, I was able to connect with some of these families to offer them eternal hope for their teen and to point them to the gospel for solutions for their issues.
This has been a common request of parents who deeply care for their children; they want a voice that can speak into their kids’ lives other than their own. There may be various reasons for this, and I can empathize with this perspective. As our children grow up, they start seeking other voices to compare their lives to their growing knowledge of the world, as they are deceived regarding their hearts (Jer. 17:9) and lack understanding of wisdom (Prov.10:21).
When it comes to counseling for teens, there is a distinct difference from counseling adults. God has designed the parent-child relationship to be the most significant relationship in a teen's life, second only to their relationship with God. Therefore, any counseling for teens, especially from a biblical perspective, must not just include but actively involve parents. This unique role of parents in biblical counseling is crucial to the teen's spiritual and emotional growth.
Although the dynamic of counseling a teen with parents is different than from adult counseling there are some important similarities. There are three key aspects that remain consistent in both adult and teen counseling.
1. Teens and adults need the same biblical truth.
2. Teens and adults need accountability.
3. Teens and adults need to be counseled in God’s way.
Counseling from the sufficient word of God is true for all people, young or old men or women. But God, in His Sovereign and perfect love, has placed godly adults, specifically parents, in the lives of teen as their primary counselors and shepherd; examples of God’s character, to be a visible representation of an invisible God, their perfect Father. God has given teens parents/godly adults for their provision, protection, comfort, instruction, wisdom, discipline, and direction for a Godward life and blessing.
The important role of godly adults
God’s good and ideal design for young people is to have a godly relationship with their parents, where there is a dad and a mom who knows them best. Parents or adults who understand the background of their life from birth to the present. Those who know their behavior patterns, health, and relationship issues. Parents are to be God’s representatives for His authority, love, and wisdom given to them through the power of the Holy Spirit in God’s Word. Parents, as shepherds, play a pivotal role in God’s design for their teens.
Families may not always fit the ideal mold in a world tainted by sin
Throughout the Bible, we see examples of broken families and relationships, but God, in his Eternal plan, uses all things, even our brokenness, for His glory and our good (Rom. 8:28-29). Families come in many different shapes and sizes. Some families may have only one believing parent, or the child lives in dual homes, extended family, foster parents, or adoptive parents. Some families may not yet know God’s ways. Despite these variations, the norm is that God entrusts teens to parents to provide, instruct, disciple, and correct according to scripture. The good news is God’s word is sufficient for every family! God, in His power and creativity, has given families everything they need for life and godliness through His sufficient Word, Christ’s sufficient death and resurrection, and the Holy Spirit. God loves all families and can bring beauty from ashes, PRAISE THE LORD!
In some cases, the brokenness in the family can lead to abuse and we need to counsel based on God’s care for the vulnerable over God’s delegated authority in parenting. This may then require bringing in outside authorities. Biblical counselors are mandatory reporters. If you know or suspect abuse, you must report it to authorities who can investigate. You must protect the vulnerable. Knowing your counseling center or church's policy on mandatory reporting is important. Teens and children are vulnerable in our world, and sometimes, that means making courageous decisions to get authorities involved.
Parents are a part of the solution
But for our purposes, where brokenness does not reach abuse, parents need to be a part of the solution, according to scripture. Teenagers are still under their parent’s legal protection that God has provided. Our role is to help the teens and parents work together to honor and glorify God in their relationship with one another and God.
Sometimes a frazzled parent does not feel equipped to help their teen and because of how their teen has rejected their help in the past, they do not feel that they can be of help. But because of how God values the parent-child relationship, I choose not to counsel a teen without a parent's involvement. Because of what God’s word says about the importance of the parent-child relationship, I would not counsel without a parent’s involvement.
Parents may not have thought through what counseling biblically means, So the first meeting with the mom and/or dad, can help to establish expectations and build a connection with the parents. The first session with parents is a great opportunity to offer hope, direction as well learn a lot about home life, things the teen would never tell you or not consider. You never know what God could do to change the parent’s heart in that first meeting. I have also found that having their pastor or youth pastor involved, if possible, is very helpful to accountability. Having the pastor involved can help to encourage the family and build up their faithfulness in church attendance or reinforce relationships through their church’s small groups.
Confidentiality
Confidentiality is similar to counseling an adult as far as what is shared outside of the teen and parent counseling room. However, teen-to-parent confidentiality is different, as I share with parents and let the teen know I will communicate with her parents up front. It’s not that they cannot talk to me sometimes without the parent in the room to feel more comfortable speaking about the hard conversations. But I will encourage them to communicate with their parents; sometimes, that means being a mediator, and sometimes, it may mean making a safe path to biblical communication. These are the guidelines I try to use; they help keep things in the light, give opportunities to see hearts and desires, and if more help may be needed.
The goal: glorify God by seeking reconciliation and biblical change
God’s Word says, “If at all possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” Romans 12:18 says that it is our commitment to obey God’s Word, even when there is conflict between teens and their parents. We are ambassadors to Christ and want to bring about and work toward reconciliation (2 Cor 5:19-24). This is an awesome reason to have parents in the counseling room with their teens. We get to come alongside parents as they see parenting their teen biblically. This may mean that I counsel the parent/s alone for a time, to work on parenting issues that may be contributing to their teens problems or areas where they need equipping. It may also mean they will learn what it means to trust God with their teen to glorify God. We get to be an instrument in the redeemer's plan to point this precious family to live to please God by loving God first and then loving one another.
Blessings about counseling teens with their parents
1. Counseling with parents and teens will help hold teens accountable and have authority in their lives daily to confirm information, expand on needed details and truths, and help ensure teens are working towards glorifying God.
2. Counseling with parents and teens can help the teen see that your agenda is not to side with the parent or side with them but to glorify God. You want to please God more than man, and that can encourage both parties to do the same.
3. Counseling with parents and teens can mean that the teen gets to have another adult listen to them in a way that maybe parents have not listened to, which may help them open up.
4. Counseling parents and teens may help the parent see a model of how to counsel their teen, what questions to ask, how to speak in kindness, and how to use scripture.
5. Counseling with parents and teens can be helpful to the counselor who can have teens and parents hold one another accountable, encouraging both to progress in homework.
6. Counseling with parents and teens can give parents an opportunity to receive the same counsel their teen is receiving, counsel they may not have sought in any other circumstance.
7. Counseling with parents and teens will help parents learn and practice accountability for communication and family devotions, leading to reconciliation.
8. Counseling with parents and teens allows parents to see their teens' hearts. If teens do not want biblical counsel or to come under authority, the counselor can continue to partner with parents as they parent a rebellious teen. We can come alongside them to help them remain faithful to God’s purposes and give them hope even in their family's trials.
Conclusion
While there are many scenarios in the complexity of counseling families, as all families are unique, God’s word is still sufficient for all things, including counseling teens and parents in life and godliness. Thank you, God, for that promise and powerful truth! What a blessing that we can offer God’s wisdom in God’s way, which is so much more robust than what the world has to offer to hurting families and teens. God is in the business of reconciliation and redeeming families for His Glory, and we can offer this to parents as they seek to love their children and find the best care that God has to offer. What a privilege!